Ode to Short-Lived Animated Shows

Family Dog (1993)
Created by: Brad Bird (of The Incredibles and The Iron Giant fame)
Executive produced by: Tim Burton and Steven Spielberg.
Voice actors: Martin Mull

Spin-off to an episode of Steven Spielberg's Amazing Stories. Told of the trials and tribulations of the Binford's family dog.

Amazing Stories: Family Dog Pt. 1
Amazing Stories: Family Dog Pt. 2
Amazing Stories: Family Dog Pt. 3













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Clerks: the Animated Series (2000)
Created by: Kevin Smith
Executive Produced: a surprising large number of people - so we'll just say Scott Mosier :D
Voice actors: Brian O'Halloran, Jeff Anderson, Jason Mewes and Alec Baldwin

The continuing adventures of this generation's favourite slackers - Dante and Randal

Clip of the Korean style animation











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Clone High (2002)
Created by: Phil Lord and Chris Miller
Executive Produced by: Phil Lord and Bill Lawrence (of Scrubs fame)
Voices actors: Will Forte, Nicole Sullivan, and Christa Miller

The greatest minds of the world have been cloned and are now attending high school together.

First episode
Finale Pt. 1
Finale Pt. 2











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The Oblongs (2001)
Created by: Angus Oblong and Jace Richdale
Executive Produced by: Jace Richdale and Bruce Helford
Voice actors: Will Ferrell and Jean Smart

The misadventures of a goofy family deformed by toxic waste - that's always fun!
Four minute trailer














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Undergrads (2001)
Created by: Pete Williams
Executive Produced by: Neil Court and Steven DeNure
Voice actors: Pete Williams

The misadventures of a group of childhood friends who keep in touch even while they go to separate colleges.

Undergrads Promo

Former school denounces Michelle Williams

Pst, no one tell them about Dawson’s Creek.

Brokeback Mountain actress Michelle Williams has received some harsh criticism for her role as the wife of a homosexual cowboy. The critic is none other than the headmaster of her former school, Sante Fe Christian School in San Diego, California, Jim Hopson.

Hopson declares Williams is "offensive" for acting in the controversial Oscar nominated film and branded her as a poor role-model. He tells the San Diego Union Tribune, "We don't want to have anything to do with her in relation to that movie. Michelle doesn't represent the values of this institution. Brokeback Mountain basically promotes a lifestyle we don't promote." Clearly, that lifestyle includes tolerance and acceptance.

Besides this backlash Williams has received, she has also been showered with praises most notably, an Oscar nom. Should Williams win the coveted award, it’s a safe bet she won’t give any shout outs to the good folks at Sante Fe Christian School.

Wacky Sports Folleys

Entertainment Quickies

I see a red door and I want to paint it bleep
Veteran rockers The Rolling Stones were enraged by the censorship of their sexually suggestive lyrics during Superbowl XL this past weekend branding it as "absolutely ridiculous and completely unnecessary". The NFL has gone on record, claiming the band agreed to the censorship beforehand as a precautionary measure to avoid any backlash from family audiences; reminiscent of Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction two years prior.

Editors turned down the microphone for risqué lines in Start Me Up and Rough Justice from The Stones' new album A Bigger Bang which in itself sounds risqué. Okay, here's what confuses me: Were these songs not already agreed upon before the show? And hasn't Start Me Up been around for years? If they wanted a risk free performance, they should've signed on Raffi.

Baby, you can drive my car...
Just when Britney Spears was proving to be the more competent parent, she was photographed with her baby Sean Preston sitting perilously in her lap while driving through Malibu. The Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services (DCFS) are going to investigate Spears who claims she took off without strapping her child in the backseat because she was suddenly hounded by paparazzi. However, the DCFS and California police might not take sympathy on the young mother/pop diva. Under California law, it's illegal to have a child as young as Sean Preston not restrained in a baby seat. Britney can expect a $270 fine at the very least.

My question is why wasn't husband Kevin Federline in the backseat? You know, behind a cage with child-protected locks trying to bum a smoke off the officer. But hey, that's neither here nor there.

L.A.'s Let's Be Friends

Crow and Armstrong split

Apparently he wasn't Armstrong enough to be her man…wow; that was bad

Seven-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong and multi-Grammy winner Sheryl Crow have called it quits after a 6-month engagement and a two-year courtship. The pair announced in a joint statement Friday night: "After much thought and consideration we have made a very tough decision to split up. We both have a deep love and respect for each other and we ask that everyone respect our privacy during this very difficult time,"

This would have been her first married and his second with three children from his previous marriage.

Crow, 43, however, managed to bounce back from this split to model at a charity fashion show this past weekend. Hopefully the 34-year-old Armstrong can find the strength to overcome this breakup. After all, he recovered from testicular cancer to become the dominant athlete in one of the world's most grueling sporting events – what’s a little "she's just not that into you"?

Look who's hooking up in Tinseltown

That is just his lightsabre, but he's still happy to see her
So Sienna Miller is giving Penelope Cruz a run for her peso on who can shack up with a co-star the fastest. Miller, still on the rebound and recouping from the fiasco known as Jude Law, has been romantically involved with her Layer Cake co-star Daniel Craig and of course, Law, whom she met on the set of Alfie. Now Canadian actor Hayden Christensen, whom she worked with in the upcoming film Factory Girl, is the object of her affection. Until her next film, that is.

The couple has been spotted canoodling, flirting and (gulp) karaoking at the cast party for Factory Girl. And most recently, they were caught shopping at the mall on a Sunday afternoon – awww, he must really like her like her!

Note: there is only ONE Star Wars reference! Be proud of me!

Life after Jessica for Lachey
Could it be Nick Lachey has found a new main squeeze after his high-profile divorce to pop diva Jessica Simpson? In Touch reports Lachey's been keeping close company with one-time Miss Kentucky USA and would-be actress, Elizabeth Arnold. The pair has been seen "making out" at various L.A. hot spots (note to self: go to L.A.)

Lachey's reps refuse to comment on Nick's busy hands with Arnold but it's safe to say when people see them they will ask, "who's that girl with Nick?" in stead of "There's Jessica and that 98 Degrees guy."

Desperate Booty Calls?
Okay, this one may be a stretch but rumour has it Hollywood's most eligible bachelor George Clooney may be sweeping a Desperate Housewife off her feet. Clooney and Teri Hatcher, who conveniently live on the same street in Studio City (note to self: go to Studio City), have created buzz around Tinseltown that they are dating.

Both, of course have dismissed these rumours, though when asked about it by Extra, Clooney says "Yes, I heard that," before adding, "She's fantastic. She's a friend. I've known her for 15 years."

Translation: "It was bound to happen."

The Year in Review - in Entertainment

2005: We hardly knew you

This past year brought the best and worst out of Hollywood – from heroine chic being the new ‘in’ look to babies being the latest accessories. And we can’t forget the “are they/aren’t they?” or the “do you like me like me?” discussions no doubt you’ve shared around the office by the water fountain – oh was it just me then?

So to kick off the New Year, we take a look back at 2005 and all its glory. Afterall, you don’t know where you’re going unless you know where you’ve been.

Hook ups that shook up
Honestly, some relationships end before we even knew they started. And apparently country singers seem to know how to push some of Hollywood’s starlets’ buttons (I’m looking at you, Nicole Kidman and Renee Zellweger). But no one takes the cake more than that couple we’ve grown to loathe.

So the recipients of the “We So Crazy” award goes to Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. With a 16 years difference, they’ve managed to create quite the media stir with their public displays of affection, his talk show couch orgasms, their sudden engagement after 2 months of courtship followed by a pregnancy announcement and her conversion to Scientology that had her Catholic parents in a rage. I’d wish them the best if he wasn’t Mr. Crazy Crazerson and she wasn’t Katie Holmes.

Break ups that shake up
The year began with the break up of Hollwood’s cutest and “oh, I hope they pull though” couple – Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. There was even hope of a rekindling of their romance but that fell through with the buzz of an affair with the sultry Angelina Jolie (Brad had the affair… not Jen). And MTV’s Newly Weds Nick and Jessica finally split after almost a year’s worth of speculating. Others to split were Renee Zellweger from country singer Kenny Chesney after 4 months of wedded bliss citing the reason as “Fraud”, Paris Hilton’s engagement to Greek shipping heir Paris Latsis ended (ya, we’re all broken up about that), as well as her Simple Life co-star Nicole Ritchie from her DJ fiance.

But the winner for the “…And Nanny Makes Three” award is none other than Jude Law and Sienna Miller. His affair with his children’s nanny, Daisy Wright went public when the nanny released her detailed and a bit graphic sexual account with the Alfie star. Law’s open apology met a dead end with Miller but the rumour mill kept on spinning about a possible reunion between the two until Law later discovered she had an affair with his friend and fellow actor, Daniel Craig, before he had his with the nanny. Oh snap!

Say ‘I do’ then make me a sandwich
Some engagements actually did follow through like Donald Trump to Slovenia model Melania Knauss and Christina Aguilera to record producer Jordan Bratman. Hopefully married life will clean up her dirrty reputation. And nothing says “I do” more than being knocked up by Daredevil. Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck secret wedding took place shortly after speculation of her being pregnant arose. Wedding dress purchased from a maternity store confirmed the rumours.

However the “Don’t Call Me Mother Unless I Tell You To” award goes to Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher who despite their 15-year age difference seem to be stronger than most couples out there. But that also means he was 12-years-old when Ghost came out. He must really hate Patrick Swayze… oh, that had nothing to do with the movie Ghost.

Baby booms and bangs
What better way to make a statement without saying a word than by having your very own baby! Pop singer Britney decided shortly after marrying Kevin Federline that she wanted to start a family. Her first step was marrying a freeloading bum then being impregnated by it. Affleck and Garner also had a baby girl this year, a first for both of them. And of course Katie Holmes is expecting a child and has agreed to a silent birth as Scientology practice dictates (I’m tempted to give this child a “I’m Screwed From The Start” award).

But alas, the “I’m The Greatest Human Being Ever – Oh, And I’m Hot” award goes to Angelina Jolie who adopted Zahara, an orphan from Africa whose mother passed away from AIDS. This is the second child Jolie has adopted from a third world country (the first being Maddox, whom she adopted while married to Billy Bob Thornton). I want to hate this woman but can’t. She’s a UN ambassador who rescues orphaned children. She has lips, breasts and an ass that would make anybody give up everything just to walk within her vicinity (Brad Pitt, I’m looking in your general direction).

The Rumour Mill spins
Everybody loves a little gossip. It’s even better when it’s not about you. Some one who took a lot of hits this year was Lindsay Lohan with her reported make-up session with Bruce Willis, plus reports of her father and his threats to his family. She was also in the middle of alleged eating disorder claims. She wasn’t the only one people suspected of anorexia – Nicole Ritchie, Keira Knightly, Mischa Barton and Mary-Kate Olsen who went into rehab for her anorexia. Other gossip that stirred up the year was who’s dating who – so high school. Jessica Simpson and her closeness to Dukes of Hazzard co-star Johnny Knoxville may have led to the inevitable spit between her and her husband, Nick Lachey. Sienna Miller’s alleged tryst with Daniel Craig also put the final stamp on her relationship with Jude Law.

The “Who Are We Kidding?” award is a tie between Brangelina and Brad’s former better half Jennifer Aniston and her The Break Up co-star Vince Vaughn. Brad Pitt and Angelina’s charity visits to foreign countries, them purchasing homes near each other for those convenient booty calls and the photos taken of them on a beach with her children all family-like all point to them being the new “It” couple. Though both deny the relationship being anything more than just friends, these actions scream “Oh Come On!” of epic proportions. And like ex-husband, like ex-wife, Aniston’s “friendship” to bachelor Vince Vaughn seems to be a bit more as photos of the pair kissing and canoodling were released. Fess up kids, it’s lust.

Wacky Stunts
We will never forget Mariah Carey and her posing with a cripple homeless man, or her own minor wardrobe malfunction on stage, or that time she had a six-pack drawn on her abs (maybe she should’ve gotten the “Who Are We Kidding?” award). Not to mention Russell Crowe’s temper tantrum when he threw a telephone at a hotel concierge for not connecting his call. How about Tara Reid’s, Paris Hilton’s and Jessica Simpson’s Girls Gone Drunk photos at various clubs in Hollywood? And of course The King of Wacky – Wacko Jacko. Michael Jackson’s child molestation trial turned circus with celeb appearances and him showing up late in pajamas.

But the final award of “You Had Me at Crazy” goes to Mr. Tom Cruise. In an interview with Matt Lauer, Cruise states no body knows about psychology like he does sparking a feud with actress Brooke Shield over the use of the anti-depressant drug Paxil. His public raves over his love for Katie Holmes (whom he has convinced, should be called Kate from now on) has everyone thinking “enough already”. The public affection and the cold sores on her face clearly say ‘love’. He has gone on record saying she is the most wonderful woman he’s ever met. I mean, even calling Kate Holmes a ‘woman’ is enough to have anybody locked up. Did I mention he loves her?

And finally In memory of…
Seems too many to name, but here is a short list of celebs that passed this year but changed the face of entertainment. They will be missed.

Johnny Carson, 79
Ann Bancroft, 73
Bob Denver, 70
Richard Pryor, 65
Luther Vandross, 54
Ossie Davis, 87
Don Adams, 82
Pat Morita, 73
Peter Jennings, 67
James Doohan, 85
Nipsey Russell, 81
Robert Wise, 91

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Btw, here is a drastically altered version of my article. It catches a few things I missed
http://www.star-tv.com/starnews/index.asp?story_id=16906

Tribute to Thunder Bay

You'll have to excuse me, I'm not at my best
I've been gone for a month, I've been drunk since I left
These so-called vacations will soon be my death
I'm so sick from the drink I need home for a rest.

We arrived in December and London was cold
We stayed in the bars along Charing Cross Road
We never saw nothin' but brass taps and oak
Kept a shine on the bar with the sleeves of our coats

You'll have to excuse me, I'm not at my best
I've been gone for a week
I've been drunk since I left
And these so-called vacations
Will soon be my death
I'm so sick from the drink
I need home for a rest
Take me home....

Euston Station the train journey North
In the buffet car we lurched back and forth
Past old crooked dykes through Yorkshire's green fields
We were flung into dance as the train jigged and reeled

You'll have to excuse me, I'm not at my best
I've been gone for a month
I've been drunk since I left
And these so-called vacations
Will soon be my death
I'm so sick from the drink
I need home for a rest
Take me home....

By the light of the moon, she'd drift through the streets
A rare old perfume, so seductive and sweet
She'd tease us and flirt, as the pubs all closed down
Then walk us on home and deny us a round

You'll have to excuse me, I'm not at my best
I've been gone for a month
I've been drunk since I left
And these so-called vacations
Will soon be my deathI'm so sick from the drink
I need home for a rest
Take me home....

The gas heater's empty, it's damp as a tomb
The spirits we drank now ghosts in the room
I'm knackered again, come on sleep take me soon
And don't lift up my head 'till the the twelve bells at noon

You'll have to excuse me, I'm not at my best
I've been gone for a month
I've been drunk since I left
And these so-called vacations
Will soon be my death
I'm so sick from the drink
I need home for a rest
Take me home....

Home For A Rest - Spirit of the West

A bit 'nippy' in the O.C.

If you missed the much-talked about 'nipple slip' on last week's episode of The O.C., fear not, surely there are numerous viral videos on the web just waiting to have you boys getting that streak-free Windex for your LCD monitors ready. Though it is terrible quality (much like Mischa Barton's talent), one's imagination can provide minutes of fulfilled fantasy – I'll be over here throwing up.

Barton's character Marisa exposed more than her eternal struggle to say lines as she was getting out of bed and one of her nipples made an accidental appearance. A number of viewers have allegedly complained to the FCC though FOX has denied that any such complaints have been made. My question is who in the editing room let that one slip by? Seems like FOX opted to replace a highly entertaining and good quality show like Arrested Development, with a quick shot of a nipple. What's next? Give House the boot so Ryan can give us a preview of a new game, "Just the tip, see how you like it"?

Who's lovin' it now?

Kid sister Simpson yet again makes an ass of herself

Ashlee Simpson was spotted not so much lip-synching but lip-slurring in a McDonald's in Toronto where she was promoting her latest album. eTalkDaily reports Lushy McLush was spotted dining at a fancy restaurant then made her way to a bar to get schlooshed. And like every night of drinking, this one ended up in a McDonald's.

A customer in the restaurant caught the pop singer on video as she mouthed off to the employees, climbed onto the counter as well as refused to have her picture taken with a fan unless he kiss her feet.

Simpson: "Thing are going wrong up here!"

I'll say – YOU HAVE A CAREER!

Toronto resident, Brandon M., was fortunate enough to witness this train wreck. We sit down with Brandon. Here's an exclusive scoop!

What did she smell like? Because I'm picturing the stale aroma of lost souls, no talent and hot tasty French fries.
One word...Alcohol.

Give us your first-hand account of this evening?
Ms. Simpson, clearly intoxicated, went to visit the world-class eatery of McDonald's after a presumably heavy night of drinking or the like. My good friend, went to take a picture with Ashlee, at which time she requested that he kiss her feet, to which he refused. After that, Ashlee's mood went south since she didn't understand why in the world anyone wouldn't want to kiss her feet. To make bad even worse was the incident with the snobby McDonald's worker whom in my opinion drastically over-reacted. Ashlee was acting stupid... but that's because she was DRUNK!

What was the reaction of the employees after Simpson left?
Most of them were relieved, presumably to go back to their hectic job serving hamburgers.

Have you ever done anything stupid in a McDonald's or any other fast food franchise (besides go in)?
The other mistake I've made at McDonald's besides going in...is eating there? Oddly enough, the last time I ate McDonald’s was after a heavy-drinking night too. Maybe I should get a recording contract?

**Let me just say, working at McDonald's is more than just flipping and serving burgers. Brandon's a good kid but....JACKASS!

Was going somewhere with this...

Here's article I meant to post on Star! but I never could formulate a whole article from my temporary rant. Or could it be I just stopped caring.

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Okay, I’ll level with you – I don’t like being lied to. So when Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston go on record saying nothing is going on between them, I’m sincerely hurt when I see photos of them making out behind a bush. And not just because he promised to call me after our one-night, but because they made us media folk look foolish. Did I say “media folk”? I meant gossip mongers.

Hey Jude, don't make it bad

Law puts an end to Miller's time

So after all that groveling and ass-kissing and trying to work it out after Jude Law admitted to sleeping with his children's nanny, looks like Sienna Miller got her perfect revenge on her ex-fiancé by sleeping with his long time friend long before he cheated on her! It was revealed earlier this week according to People that Law gave Sienna the proverbial boot when he discovered she cheated on him first – two years ago on the set of Layer Cake with her co-star and would be James Bond Daniel Craig. This happened around the same time Law left his then-wife Sadie Frost and started dating Miller.

This revelation infuriated Law who has branded the actress as a "hypocrite and a conniving bitch."

And it wasn't a one-time-oh-so-drunk-where-did-those-midgets-come-from-let's-never-speak-of-this-again type affair, Miller and Craig allegedly continued to see each other during Jude Law's public apology as well as Sienna milking the publicity. Don't get me wrong, I still feel for her. After all, how would you feel if your too-too sexy fiancé played house with the nanny? And by 'house' I mean violating her body this way from Sunday.

Speculation did arise that Law and Miller were getting back together when she didn't move out of his home. According to imdb.com, Sienna stayed there out of convenience since her play was in the West End and that she broke up with him back in July though stayed close friends. Ugh, this OC episode is giving me a headache.

So let's get this straight: Mootchy McHootch cheated on sexy Jude Law first, made him grovel publicly while turning this drama into a marketing tool all the while crashing at his place? Niiiice.

Nick and Jessica sully our hopes and dreams

America’s sweethearts become an American statistic

You mean to tell me televising your marriage and constantly partying and getting trashed ISN’T the way to fortify a marriage? Being America’s eye candy just got worse as Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson finally filed for divorce according to Us Weekly.

Rumours of this inevitable split have been skimming the front page of tabloids and college boys’ wet dreams for some time. Back in May, E! Online reported the papers were signed but retracted that statement faster than the other members of 98 Degrees can say, “Wanna get back together?”

Reasons for the split (get ready to put on your sarcastic shocked face here) include the ever-controlling Daddy Joe Simpson and the diva formerly known as Jessica Simpson. Nick also couldn’t abide her other husband, Jack Daniels who, like their marriage, was also on the rocks.

Seems like another guy has lost his woman to the young, glamorous life of partying. If Jessica gets lonely, Paris will be there to comfort her, and I’m pretty sure Tara Reid is there too lying face down in a pool of her own vomit – don’t worry, she’s an excellent listener.

Apparently an official statement will be released later this month to milk the last bit of this doomed relationship. As well, I’m sure, loyal viewers of MTV’s Newlyweds are waiting to hear what will become of that lonely half-hour. Until then, party on Jessica. Party on Paris. Mhgphhhm Tara.

Dear God,

This is cute...

Evian rocks out to Queen

We will. We will...

You know how I know you're gay...?

Cuz you listen to Coldplay...

Which would possibly explain a lot. I'm not one to judge except times when I'm judging, but why else would he marry someone with the body of a 17-year old boy? Or agree to name a child Apple as in Adam's...

And his hair's short, and he's mildly attractive. If that does sound gay, I don't know what does.

Remember Vin?

The man we know as Vin Diesel is in fact a spiritual manifestation used to channel the voice of Vin, in a similar manner of the Metatron. Hearing Vin Diesel's real voice would not only cause your head to cave in and your heart to explode, but the very words would take the rest of your body, body slam it, throw it into a chair, and uppercut it all the way to the Phillippines.

PWN3D!

Mariah Carey PWN3D by Eminem

A furious Carey gets mocked at one of Eminem’s shows

Poor Mariah. There was a time when she was a respectable artist with a beautiful, soulful voice. A force to be reckoned with in the world of R&B. Okay, she still has the voice but with it she’s added floatation devices to her chest that probably would’ve come in handy during the sinking of the Titanic, smaller clothing equivalent to Adam and Eve hiding behind a fig leaf, a nervous breakdown because girls wearing less than her were stealing her thunder, a drawn-on six-pack on her abs that would make He-Man cower into his tub of ice cream with Cringer, and photo ops with a crippled homeless man as though posing beside a cardboard cutout of David Hasselhoff.

And now begging Eminem to call her!

Pagesix.com reports the pop singer allegedly left a voice mail for the rapper back in 2001 when he worked on Carey’s Charmbracelet album. Eminem took it upon himself to play the message in front of his audience during his Anger Management tour. What he was doing working on her album; I have no idea.

The message is as follows:
"I heard you were getting back with your ex-wife. Why won't you see me? Why won't you call me? You're not calling me."

The rapper then pretended to vomit into a prop toilet on stage and launched into his song Puke that features the lines “you make me sick.”

Is it wrong that I find this funny? Aside from the ridiculous begging on a voice mail message…you want him to call you? The guy wrote a song about putting his pregnant Dido into the trunk of a car? That guy there? The guy who no doubt is admired and an inspiration to the likes of Kevin Federline – you know, minus the ambition and earned wealth and well … talent. And by “talent” I mean job. Him? I’d say Mariah can do better but she did have a video where she got revenge against the fat kid from Stand By Me (Jerry O’Connell, look it up).

Hollywood gossip

Rumoured relationships, fake relationships, Godly relationships

Vince Vaughn slams Aniston rumours
Okay, this may be redundant news but actor Vince Vaughn finally put his foot down on rumours that he and newly divorcee Jennifer Aniston are romantically involved. The Wedding Crashers star flat out said he is "addicted to one-night stands" and could not be in a serious relationship restricting him to just one woman.

He is also furious that people would think he’d take advantage of the 36-year-old former Friends star so shortly after her high profile divorce. No offense, but if you're "addicted to one-night stands," why wouldn't you jump into that vulnerable bowl of poo-tang?

Hartnett + Carlson = FAKE
Nip/Tuck star Kelly Carlson revealed her relationship with heartthrob Josh Hartnett was fake. The actress admits she was manipulated to pretend the pair was dating for a Teen People shoot as a publicity stunt. Umm, Kelly who?

Just a rule of thumb, in order for a publicity stunt to be a publicity stunt, the public should know about it. Tom Cruise and his public love affair with that waif is a publicity stunt. Some actress dating a sub-par actor, whose voice is too low for his face, is not. And FYI, I don’t think it worked.

They are apparently just good friends and Hartnett is currently dating Scarlett Johansson…maybe, who knows with these kids?

Matt Damon as The Godfather
Long time best bud Matt Damon will stop at nothing to be Ben Affleck and wife Jennifer Garner’s expected child’s godfather. Damon has promised to lavish the baby with gifts. He says, "He'd be smart to give me that job, I'd spoil that kid rotten." That makes sense to me; afterall he is Ben’s first wife. Or perhaps he wants to use lines like this:
"You like apples? I’m the baby's godfather! How do you like them apples?"

Kevin Federline wins Father of the Year

Oops, he did it again! And by ‘did it again’ I mean he managed to prove what a horrible human being he is

Celebrity leech Kevin Federline apparently missed his son’s first birthday according to Pagesix.com. Yes, this is the son in which ex-girlfriend, Shar Jackson, was pregnant with when Federline left her for pop princess/white trash Britney Spears.

A spokesperson for Jackson said that little Kaleb’s birthday "came and went without a visit, present or phone call from Kevin or Britney." Federline’s publicist has not commented on this. I’m thinking the less time this boy spends with his biological father, the better. Though I’d say he’s in a lose-lose situation with his mommy dating Quentin Tarantino.

Jackson has also recently accused Federline of stiffing her on child-support payments for both Kaleb and their 2-year old daughter, Kori. Are these things to come for the new bundles of joy expected to make media appearance in September? Well, I guess you actually have to have money to stiff someone on child-support. And since Britney is the breadwinner in that family, Kevin probably doesn’t have to worry about anything except when his next allowance will come in.

In other Spears/Federline news: the birth of their expected twins might be televised. Sigh. Am I really surprised? Why not do the whole nine yards when milking their celebrity dry and expose a very private moment like childbirth? I already have a problem seeing Britney’s outsides, why would I want to see her insides too?

Sleeping with 'Mary Hoppins'

Actor Jude Law admitted to having an affair with his children's 26-year-old British nanny, Daisy Wright. I fail to believe in this fabricated story for a number of reasons: 1) I'm 25; 2) I wasn't working this weekend; 3) I'm not British and 4) my name is not Daisy Wright.

The Alfie star was apparently caught by one of his children who told Law's ex-wife Sadie Frost; 'Mary Hoppins' was of course fired following this revelation.

This also calls for the end of Law's current engagement to model/thinks-she-can-act Sienna Miller. "Following the reports in today's paper, I just want to say I am deeply ashamed and upset that I've hurt Sienna," says Jude in response. "I want to publicly apologize to Sienna."

Meanwhile, The Sun reports that Law is allegedly looking to rekindle his romance with Wright when he called her last Thursday. Wright, who admits to falling for Law, was hurt by her dismissal of her job and realizes Law was using her for sex. She tells the British paper, "He said he desperately needed to show me that our relationship wasn't just about sex. But how could I trust him again after he cast me aside so easily before." My God, let the man show you! Let him show you 4 times in one night if he has to.

What I admire most of this story is that Law's own child ratted him out (I believe Law is officially having the kid's name changed to Snitchy McSnitch-a-lot). And this also goes to show you sexy men don't always win when it comes to cheating...unless you're Brad Pitt and you're doing Angelina Jolie.

Hollywood gossip not worth writing home about

Pitt’s sick, Carey’s crazy, Kidman’s boy-crazy

Brad Pitt has the flu
Stop the presses! He must’ve drunk the water in Africa when he accompanied Angelina Jolie to pick up her new adopted baby girl…and after they probably had sex. He sure does get thirsty. Actor Brad Pitt has been hospitalized in Los Angeles with a severe case of influenza. Pitt checked himself into an undisclosed hospital on Monday night. He is expected to make a full recovery…you know, like everyone else who’s ever had the flu. Heck, I just discovered a huge bruise on my thigh - I have no idea where it came from. The only coverage that will get will be if I put it in my blog - if.

Mariah Carey pulls a Janet Jackson
During a TV show in Germany, pop singer and part-time crazy person Mariah Carey had a wardrobe malfunction when her dress fell apart. Lucky for her and the audience, the floor managers cut the lights to censor Carey as she gathered her clothes before dashing offstage to regroup according to MTV news.

Carey quips, "Someone bring me a jacket or the show's off, we all know how quickly these images can spread around the world." Oh my god, it made a funny. The lesson learned here: Buy sweatshop clothes. Get sweatshop quality.

Nicole Kidman was one of those girls
Nicole Kidman tells Glamour magazine her marriage to Tom Cruise put a screeching halt to a lot of her friendships when she married the Risky Business star at the age of 21. Since her divorce to Cruise in 2001, Kidman has reconnected with a lot of her childhood friends and is determined not to let her pals slip away again…or until the next man comes along. Oh we’ve all been there - blow off a friend’s birthday for a date, nothing else matters beside you and your new found love, forget about the people who are really there for you until you get dumped on you’re ass again and you come crawling back. Well Nicky, I spit on your Vera Wang dress!

Call me.

Hit Me Baby...with some money!

Britney Spears broke

And I don’t mean her water

As it turns out, in order to spend money, it would probably be wise to be making money in the process. That way, you can spend more money, more profusely. Preggers Pop princess Britney Spears is eager to torture us with a new album because she and her husband are running out of money. Spears and Kevin Federline are struggling to fund their white-trash mirror of celebrity life having also spent $7 million on a new Malibu house.

Spears, of course, is taking a maternity leave from singing and dancer Federline hasn’t worked for over a year. I have an idea, how about you dance your ass over to the unemployment line you fucking deadbeat!

The solution? Cut a new album asap. According to New York Post columnist Cindy Adams, "Mrs. Federline recently made a quiet call to her record label. The gist of the discussion: We've got to get money in the house. Cash flow is going down. How about we cut another album?" I have yet another idea: We all hop into our time machine and show Britney and Kevin that episode of Degrassi High when Erica has unsafe sex.

Or how about be careful of your money because you’re bringing a child into this world and that baby will have to come first? Just a thought.

When in doubt, asses out

Brett Ratner directs XXX-Men

Director Brett Ratner, who took over the reigns for the upcoming X-Men sequel from Bryan Singer, is apparently planning to release the new film in brown paper wrapping. The Rush Hour director has added a new villain in an attempt to leave his mark with the comic book movie franchise – a sex siren mutant who seduces her opponents instead of battling them. Yes, by “leave his mark” I mean that stain on the bed sheet IS what you think it is.

A source tells Pagesix.com the mutant will be, "An unbelievably hot and sexy hooker. Her super power is that she secretes a pheromone that helps her to seduce men. She can seduce anyone." That’s not a super power, that’s called being me!

The new mutant has yet to be cast but will likely be an unknown since no one in their right mind would want to commit career suicide playing Lolita, the pheromone sprouting whore.

Affleck knocks up J.Gar

So, it was confirmed: Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are married and expecting a child. The top-secret ceremony was held at the exclusive Parrot Cay resort on the Turks and Caicos Islands Thursday night. Their publicists, Ken Sunshine and Nicole King, confirmed this news shortly after the couple was seen arriving at the island and reports in Us Weekly were published saying that they had wed.

Coincidentally, Affleck, who of course was previously engaged to Jenny from the private villa of spoiled snobs, was originally going to have his ceremony at a spa resort with J.Lo but it was called off due to security concerns - and by “security concerns” I mean “Affleck sobered up and came to his senses.”

This is the first marriage for the Pearl Harbor star and a second for the Alias actress who divorced actor Scott Foley in March 2004. Affleck and Garner met on the set of Daredevil in 2003 while Affleck was still with Lopez…wait a minute…doing the math…DRA-MA!

Though, I find it odd that news of them expecting a baby has just been confirmed. Isn’t she like in her third trimester? So that doesn’t really come as a surprise, except for the fact I could have sworn he was having man-sex with Matt Damon. Oh well, a knocked up actress sure proved me wrong.

Lohan's Hissy Fit

I think the bigger question is, why is she even working?

USA Today reports a very disgruntled Lindsay Lohan stormed out of the Los Angeles premiere of her latest film, Disney’s Herbie: Fully Loaded. The Mean Girls star, who always manages to make the tabloid headlines one way or another, was upset because a song she recorded specifically for the final race scene found its way as the featured song of the end credits instead.

So wait, they still recorded it? It was still presented to the public? That’s more than any song, movie or haiku poem she makes deserves.

Lohan, 18, explained to the paper, "I was like, 'Whoaaa,' because nobody stays to hear the song in the closing credits. So I ran out." That’s a little ironic considering she wanted people to stay for the credits and be tortured.

Lohan’s handlers for the evening took the actress to the washroom for a 12-minute cool down. Okay, no offence to Skinny McGee or Chesty LaRoo, whatever we’re calling her, but it’s not as though she saw Johnny walking into the party with Judy on his arm. Someone doing their job moved a song into the end credits – deal.

She did, however, explain why the song had some significance to her. "I recorded it right before I got sick and went to the hospital [in October, for 'exhaustion']. And then I shot the video for it and re-sprained my ankle. I pushed myself to get it done for the movie when I probably should have waited."

Boo-fuckin’ hoo!

Dear Ms. Lopez

Princess J.Lo has high demands and low talent

Former Fly Girl makes outrageous demand on set

Dear Ms. Lopez,

It has come to our attention that your 15 minutes of fame have over exceeded their expiry date by about 15 years. We also require you return your inflated ego as well as a personal apology to the general public for wasting our time.

Sincerely,
Your Mom

For someone who says she’s just “Jenny from the block,” makes me think that “the block” is actually a villa of spoiled brats who didn’t get that ugly yellow Mustang convertible when they turned sweet sixteen. Actress Jennifer Lopez (and I use the term “actress” loosely) is displeased with her accommodations on the set of the independent film Bordertown starring opposite Antonio Banderas.

The diva has allegedly demanded a luxury motor home and a private villa as well is determined to have her hairdresser Oribe’s $10,000/day charge be taken out of the film’s budget.

Can someone please explain to me why this woman (and I use the term “woman” loosely) is famous? The Maid in Manhattan starlet has agreed to star in the low-budget film being shot in Mexico as a favour to director Gregory Nava, who made her breakthrough film Selena. If by “favour” you mean pamper her fat a$$, then yes, this must be the nicest thing she has ever done for another human being. It’s a surprise she didn’t order a bunch of baby seal pups to be shipped in and clubbed in front of her for her enjoyment – it’s the only way she can work.

Baby, Baby, Baby

Mmm, you're so pretty,
Not to talk to you would be a crime.
Aah, let me put my arms around you,
Just wanna use up a little of your time.
(And I go -)

Baby baby baby,
Baby baby baby,
Baby baby baby,
Won't you be my girl.

Aah, your eyes are so pretty,
And the clothes you wear they're so fine.
Hey won't you come round to my place
Just wanna use up a little of your time.
(And I go -)

Baby baby baby,
Won't you be my girl.
Baby baby baby,
Won't you be my girl.
Baby baby baby,
Won't you be my girl.
...

-- The Vibrators - Baby, Baby

A classic love story

Some guy is engaged to some girl

Tom Cruise pops the question as well as his insanity pills

So it’s official. Ken divorces Barbie and proposes to Skipper - a classic love story. Did I say love story? I meant porn - if you replace "divorces" with “invites” and "and propose to" with "to violate". Tom Cruise finally popped the question to Katie Holmes (I say "finally" as if 2 months was way too long of a wait). The setting was perfect - atop the Eiffel Tower early this morning with just him, her, the sun and that massive rock that currently resides on Joey’s finger.

The happy couple announced their engagement after numerous wedding bell rumours at a conference in the City of Lights while he was promoting War of the Worlds.

"It was early this morning at the Eiffel Tower, so I haven't slept at all," Cruise said. "Today is a magnificent day for me, I'm engaged to a magnificent woman."

Though both Captain Smiles and his sidekick Giggles were showing nothing shy of complete happiness, Holmes did not speak to reporters and at one point the Top Gun star asked her if she was ok. Clearly a bit overwhelming for the Batman Begins actress whose love affair with Cruise has been under the microscope since going public in April.

On a plus side, Holmes' conversion to Scientology will make the pair's group wedding ceremony all the more special. Also stayed tune for next week for the next chapter titled "Captain Smiles and Giggles: And Baby Makes Three".

Shine until tomorrow

When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

TomKat!!!

Over exposure of TomKat relationship may harm film

In case you haven’t heard, Tom Cruise is involved with Katie Holmes. Also in case you haven’t heard, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have sure-fire blockbuster hits coming out this summer. This public relationship has spawned a media frenzy that has people skeptical that the pairing is sincere and that their public display of affection is just an attention-getter. Producers of Cruise’s War of the Worlds are particularly concerned that this kind of publicity is damaging the film.

Martin Levy, an executive at DreamWorks, the studio behind the film, fears the actor's romantic outbursts are stealing headlines away from the Steven Spielberg movie. He says, "You can have so much attention on a particular issue that maybe the movie doesn't get as much attention as it might. It's the topic of conversation for other reasons."

It’s a shame because quite frankly, a Tom Cruise/Steven Spielberg film doesn’t need any publicity stunt to get people to watch their movie. Heck, throw their names on a box of rat poison and I’ll eat it. I also believe Batman Begins didn’t need a push. This much anticipated film stars Christian Bale, Morgan Freeman, Liam Neesan, Gary Oldman, Ken Watanabe, Michael Caine, Cillian Murphy, Rudger Hauer and then tack Katie Holmes’ name at the end of that list. If this relationship were a stunt, it would only be in Holmes’ favour. I mean her claim to fame is playing a c*ck-tease on crack…or is it the Creek…something like that. She must’ve sold her soul to the Devil and made a deal because now it’s rumoured that she will play Wonder Woman in the upcoming film directed by Joss Whedon (of Buffy the Vampire Slayer fame).

Oh Joey, at what time will you abscond?

The Superficial

This deserves an honourable mention:

Hollywood is full of whores
According to a guy I’ve never heard of who produces movies I’ve never heard of, “There really is a ‘casting couch’ in the movie business, according to Chris Hanley … best known for (producing) "American Psycho," "Buffalo 66" and "The Virgin Suicides." "Almost every leading actress in all of my 24 films has slept with a director or a producer or a leading actor to get the part that launched her career," said Hanley. His leading ladies have included Kirsten Dunst, Scarlett Johanssen, Brooke Shields, Christina Ricci and Kathleen Turner.

This story, courtesy of the New York Post, has Scarlet Johansson on the list, but I’ll be dammed if I can see a film they made together. If there is one, it’s not listed on IMDB. I do find it horrifying that he would infer that he possibly had sex with Kirsten Dunst. I can’t honestly say I’ve ever had my penis in a bear trap, but the idea is a hell of a lot more appealing than my penis in that troll. At least I could put some lipstick on the bear trap and kinda make it look like a human girl. Good luck doing that with Kirsten Dunst. Seriously, If I had to choose between sex with Kirsten Dunst or a dead Philippino boy, I would at least find out what the kid died off.

Kenya

http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/kenya/

I don't know why....it's the most retarded thing in the world but it makes me smile. Hmmmm, what's wrong with smiling? :)

I Heart Russell Crowe

Russell Crowe arrested

Wait a minute…this isn’t like Cinderella at all! Oh, unless it’s the version where Cinderella throws a telephone at a concierge.

What feces are to monkeys, telephones are to Russell Crowe. That delightful Aussie actor Russell Crowe is at it again with his public tantrums and his throwing of the telephones.

The Gladiator star is facing serious charges of assault and criminal possession of a weapon following an incident in New York’s Mercer Hotel. Crowe allegedly lost his temper with the concierge when the man failed to connect the Oscar winner’s phone call to his family in Australia. The result? A telephone in the face causing minor laceration.

Following his arrest, Crowe appeared at New York City's Manhattan Criminal Court after being interviewed by investigating officers, and his defense lawyer Gerald Lefcourt argued that the charges brought against his client are completely out of character. Lefcourt said, "He [Crowe] has never been arrested in this country. He is very, very charitable, a decent human being with an excellent background."

Oh I totally believe that. Here’s a short list I’ve compiled of his very charitable actions:

1. Director Ron Howard adjusts scheduling of Cinderella Man shoot because of Crowe’s mood swings (May 2004)
2. Crowe banned cast and crew from going anywhere near his trailer on the set of Cinderella Man (May 2004)
3. Got into a fight with one of his bodyguards (August 2004)
4. Accused of groping women in Canadian bar (July 2004)
5. Lost temper with waitress for offering him a snack (November 2003)
6. Damaged hotel room after a party (June 2003)
7. Voted “Coldest Person in Hollywood” (November 2002)
8. Lost temper at restaurant because he couldn’t get chicken (November 2002)
9. Involved in boozy restaurant brawl (Tuesdays)

God, I heart him so much.

Crowe was subsequently released without bail and ordered to return to court on September 14. Crowe could face up to seven years in prison if found guilty of all charges against him. Until then, waitresses, concierge and the human race alike will be safe…but for how long?

“Bring on the computer guys," said Chesty Laroo

Lohan has offensive boobs

If only we can digitally reduce her lack of talent

Is there anything computers can’t do? Online banking, booking trips, downloading... er... listening to perfectly legal streaming music… Now Disney has gone into their upcoming film Herbie: Fully Loaded to digitally reduce the size of actress Lindsay Lohan’s breasts. Funny, I’m always trying to enhance mine.

Test screenings have shown that some parents were offended by Lohan’s fully loaded chest that no doubt brought an unwanted Baywatch feel to the flick. The character Maggie Peyton was apparently too raunchy for the children’s film with her low-cut shirts and her bouncing around like the champaign room was going out of style. The technicians at Casa Disney had to plough through numerous scenes to reduce her breasts by two-cup sizes. The extra work in post-production probably called for the most skilled digital artists with a strict attention to detail and patience to perfect the scenes with the bountiful actress jumping up and down

…ahem…

Regardless, the Mean Girls actress was amused by her digital boob job. "I don't know how Renee Zellweger kept swelling and shrinking for Bridget Jones. It's no fun. Bring on the computer guys."

Hmmm… “Bring on the computer guys”… I smell next week’s Lohan headline!

Back From Writing Hiatus

Hollywood in a Nutshell

The 3 R’s of Hollywood gossip that’s stirring up the week

I’m not one to gossip [insert LOL here], but I’m always interested in what’s shaking up Hollywood, probably because it makes my life all the more tolerable.

RELATIONSHIPS
How much do we love hearing about the shenanigans and going-ons of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes? Word on the strip according to New York Post is that Ken and Skipper are engaged which Holmes’ reps are denying. This claim may have something to do with Cruise’s lovesick seizure on The Oprah Winfrey Show about a week ago. The Top Gun star was jumping up and down shouting “I’m so in love” before devouring Oprah and the first two rows of the audience during the commercial break.

Speaking of engagements and eating, Paris Hilton is set to wed her boyfriend of six-months Paris Latsis. About a month ago, Hilton had said she was ready to start a family, as that would finally complete her life. Now she is one step closer – God have mercy on our souls. Latsis apparently proposed to the heiress on Wednesday after her return from a three-week Euro trip promoting House of Wax.

RELATIVES
Lindsay Lohan’s father, Michael, will serve up to four years in jail after pleading guilty to drink driving, attempted assault, aggravated harassment and criminal contempt. Papa Lohan was caught driving under the influence using a suspended license as well as threatening his family (estranged wife Dina, kids and brother-in-law) and violating his court restraining order when he drove by his wife’s house. He was denied his request to enter rehab instead of serving time. Move over Tom Sizemore, we may have a new “Man of the Year” here.

REUNIONS
On a lighter side of Hollywood, a couple of reunions are in the works. Don’t you…forget about The Breakfast Club. That’s right! MTV is looking to reunite the Brain, the Princess, the Criminal, the Jock and the Basketcase (also known as Anthony Michael Hall, Molly Ringwald, Judd Nelson, Emilio Estevez and Ally Sheedy) at the 2005 MTV Movie Awards airing June 9. Brat pack members of the classic John Hughes teen dramedy have all confirmed except for Emilio who we can only assume/pray is pining for that Mighty Ducks prequel instead – that’s the only excuse you get Mr. Estevez!

Also, Jane Fonda has made a great Hollywood comeback with her role in Monster-In-Law starring opposite Jennifer Lopez. Now the political activist is in negotiations to reprise her role in a sequel to the hit 1980 movie Nine to Five possibly titled (get this) Nine to Five-Thirty. Her co-stars in the film, Lily Tomlin and Dolly Parton would star alongside Fonda in the possible sequel, as they have been willing and ready for some time – suggested new title? “We Need Work”.

Kinda like Jesus...

When told there was a random fact site about him, Vin Diesel smiled, laughed a bit, then ascended into the sky, kinda like Jesus but better.

Kitten War

I think there is something seriously wrong with me:
http://kittenwar.com/

Vin Diesel: Revisited

Vin Diesel killed Bill Cosby. Bill Cosby is not yet aware of this, as Vin Diesel has not chosen to make this death known.

Leap years are caused by Vin Diesel holding the earth back from rotating.

Vin Diesel once watched The House of 1000 Corpses, and somehow managed to get those two hours of his life back.

Paradoxically, half of Vin Diesel equals one Vin Diesel. This means that one quarter Vin Diesel also equals one Vin Diesel, and on and on forever. The Vin Diesel that we perceive is the sum total of an infinite amount of Vin Diesels and his powers reflect this.

Vin Diesel once invented a plane with no wings. He put wheels underneath it and called it a train.

When Vin Diesel wishes to mail a letter, he forces it down the throat of the nearest housepet, then hurls the animal in the direction of the recipient's house.

Vin Diesel doesn't like Ping Pong. Nor does he like Indians.

He is made up of smaller, slightly more British Vin Diesels.

When Vin Diesel laughs, the whole world laughs with him. When Vin Diesel kills, the whole world dies.

Vin Diesel once killed a man by flexing his biceps in his general direction.

Guns don't kill people, Vin Diesel kills people. Sometimes with guns.

Vin Diesel does not believe in ghosts. Ghosts believe in him.

Vin Diesel once punched a man so hard, it killed his entire extended family and close friends.

Summer Movie Madness

It's now May and the summer flicks are pouring in whetting our appetite for entertainment that requires the least amount of physical energy. We’ve already had Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy paving the way for the rest of the summer movies. Here are the ones I’m most looking forward to:

1. Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith (May 19) - I think this is a no-brainer, particularly for me. It’s has the only audience where I seriously feel like I have power over. More so, it's already getting good buzz and dare I say, being compared to Empire Strikes Back. My only concern is what will I do after I see this? There are no more movies to look forward to except those TV shows sure to over-saturate our youth in all things Star Wars.
2. Mr. And Mrs. Smith (June 10) - What can I say, I like looking at pretty people and explosions.
3. Batman Begins (June 15) - I was a bit skeptical when I found out they were making another Batman movie. Each time I think to myself "This time…this time…it has to be good…" But this one is already promising good things for our Caped Crusader. And I'll take the time now to say nothing sucks about Morgan Freeman.
4. War of the Worlds (June 29) - I've officially decided I will watch ANY movie Steven Spielberg puts out. He's made that list. Sure, there have been some disappointments (AI and The Terminal come to mind) but even then they had that Spielberg charm. Call it eye-candy if you like (I know I will) but this film is going to own the box office.
5. Charlie and Chocolate Factory (July 15) - Yes, I love Roald Dahl. Yes, I love Tim Burton films (Planet of the Apes did not exist). And yes, I love Johnny Depp.
6. The Island (July 22) - If I haven't already mentioned it, I heart Ewan McGregor. If he were to ask me to make babies with him, I would. I mean, he sings, dances AND is a Jedi Knight! And say what you will about Michael Bay movies, they are always fun and action-packed (or encouraging suicide like Pearl Harbor). Plus Scarlett Johannson also graces us with her presence in this action/sci-fi. If she were to ask me also, I might consider making babies with her as well.
7. Guilty Pleasure Alert: Bewitched (June 24) - What I originally thought was going to be a straight-up remake that would most likely make fun at itself, turns out to be about something completely different. Will Ferrel can do no wrong in a comedy. I'm not even talking about writing; just put him in front of a camera and promise him snacks after filming and you’ll have comedic gold on your hands.

Dear Vin Diesel...

Officially the greatest site EVAR!!!
Thanks Adina.

http://www.4q.cc/vin/index.php

Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULLSHIT! They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been referred to as Christmas.

The sensation of déjà vu is actually the vague premonition that Vin Diesel is making love to your biological mother. If you find yourself experiencing déjà vu in the presence of your mother, you are Vin Diesel.

Every time Vin Diesel kills God, a kitten masturbates.

I could give you lessons...

I've come to my senses,
That I've become senseless,
I could give you lessons on how to ruin your friendships,
Every last conviction, I smoked them all away,
I drank my frustrations down the drain, out of the way,
So I sit and wait and wonder,
"Does anyone else feel like me?"
Someone so tired of their routines and disappearing self-esteems,

I'll sing along,
Yeah with every emergency,
Just sing along,
I'm the king of catastrophies,
I'm so far gone,
That deep down inside I think it's fine by me,
I'm my own worst enemy

I could be an expert on co-dependency,
I could write the best book on underage tragedy,
I've been spending my time at the local liquor store,
I've been sleeping nightly on my best friends kitchen floor,
So I sit and wait and wonder,
"Does anyone else feel like me?"
I'm so overdosed on apathy and put down on sympathy

I'll sing along,
Yeah with every emergency,
Just sing along,
I'm the king of catastrophies,
I'm so far gone,
That deep down inside I think it's fine by me,
I'm my own worst enemy

Let the meaning slip away
Lost my faith in another day,
Self deprication seems okay,
I never thought I'd make it anyway

I'll sing along,
Yeah with every emergency,
Just sing along,
I'm the king of catastrophies,
I'm so far gone,
That deep down inside I think it's fine by me,
I'm my own worst enemy

I'm my own worst enemy
I'm my own worst enemy
I'm my own worst enemy
I'm my own worst enemy
I'm my own worst enemy

Less Than Jake - The Science of Selling Yourself Short

Britney and Paris should not be having babies

Babes in Hollywood

The baby-related entertainment news that’s circulating Hollywood

As if little Britney Spearses wasn’t enough, hotel heiress Paris Hilton feels she is ready to make babies and that she’d like to get crackin’ in the next two years.

"I want to have kids in the next two years because I know that completes your life.” Someone should tell Miss Hilton that having children doesn’t mean the last stop of a pub-crawl. She continues, “I've had so much fun, and had a great life. I've accomplished everything that I wanted to accomplish and I think that when I have kids that'll make me happier than I already am." Have you stood in line for the midnight showing of the final Star Wars movie? Well then, let’s not jump the baby-gun here.

Hilton, 24, has been with her beau, Paris Latsis, 22, since last December but feels she is in love and ready for a commitment greater than matching her highlights with her beloved dog, Tinkerbell.

Speaking of dogs (I mean babies), Britney Spears’ positive pregnancy test has allegedly been sold in an auction for charity by a casino website that claims the pregnancy test was found in the garbage of all places of a Los Angeles hotel that the pop singer recently stayed in.

Okay, here a tiny disclaimer that I’m not technically reporting this story except for the mere fact that it is circulating the Internet. Either way, there are two shames here: If true, then shame on the casino website for touching anything that’s had Britney’s urine on it, including Kevin Federline. If false, then shame on imdb.com for posting such a fabricated lie and shame on me for getting all worked up over it.

Again if true, proceeds from the kit will be donated to US charities The Candlelighter's Childhood Cancer Foundation and The Easter Seal Society, which helps disabled children. I think the fact that Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are having children already contributes to disabled children.

George Lucas and the Amazing Techni-Color Spin-offs

Star Wars Celebration III, which took place April 21-24 in Indianapolis, marked George Lucas’ first appearance at a fan convention in 18 years. Featured at the Star Wars Fan Club convention were several minutes of Star Wars Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith that wetted both appetites and pants. The director and producer, Rick McCallum, of the popular sci-fi franchise also participated in a Q&A, which revealed a few Star Wars related projects in the helm.

There have been talks of Star Wars 3D in the works but due to scheduling problems as well as lack of available technology (nothing but the best for Big G), it’s likely this project will be put on hold. Other aspirations include two television series - a 3D animated show and a live action series featuring supporting characters from the movies [crosses fingers for Sny Snootles].

Production on the live action show is set to start shooting in about a year with the scripts written prior to any shooting (what a concept!)

But the question on everybody’s lips besides a possible Howard the Duck prequel is the much-anticipated fourth installment of Indiana Jones. Apparently Lucas received a script for the film last week and Steven Spielberg is once again set to direct the action/adventure.

With the final film to be released and all these Star Wars related television shows ready to spin off, one would wonder (well, I wonder) if George Lucas has any intention of standing clear of all things Star Wars after all this. A slap stick comedy perhaps? A period piece a la Jane Austin? One thing’s for sure, nothing can equate the magnitude of his epic adventure that has taken 28 years to tell but will be relived for generations to come.

Save Arrested Development!

There are some shows out there that I question as to why they are still around [insert reality television show title here]. Meanwhile there are others that deliver high quality each week [insert Arrested Development here].

Sunday, April 17 saw the season finale and possible series finale of the dysfunctional sitcom. How many shows must FOX let go to realize maybe they should hang on to what little quality programming they have? Remember Titus? Firefly? Futurama? Well who can forget Family Guy, which is returning in May due to the outcry from the fans and the skyrocketing sales of the DVDs. Now Arrested Development, a show that has proven critically and commercially of being a huge success, is at risk of heading to the chopping block.

The second season of the Emmy and Golden Globe Award winning series suffered quite the ratings drop compared to its preceding year. Other factors determining the fate of the show is the change of management. Gail Bergman, FOX entertainment chief who gave the Arrested Development another go with its second season, is leaving for a Paramount Studios job. Hopefully her successor, Peter Liguori, will have a soft spot for that lovably dysfunctional family but we won’t know until the 2005/06 line-up is announced.

Luckily, my television programming isn’t completely shot to shit. I can still look forward to when CBS broadcasts the wedding of former Survivor contestants Rob Mariano and Amber Brkich [insert big fat fucking can of sarcasm here]!

The Next James Bond Rant

Okay, this game of "Tag: The Next James Bond Edition" is getting tiresome. Let’s reiterate the long line of would-be James Bonds for the remake of Casino Royale. Rumours flew that the coveted role would go to Ewan McGregor or Jude Law (okay, I think I just had an orgasm) then the likely contenders Eric Bana (The Hulk) and Clive Owen (Closer) stepped up to the plate. Though the Bana candidate quickly slipped away, Owen’s name stayed strong. Other names that popped up were Colin Farrell and Hugh Jackman, which means if you remotely have an accent that isn’t American, you’re a shoo-in.

Along with Clive Owen’s vote, another name is staying strong - Daniel Craig. A virtual no name but hey like I said, he has an accent.

While this jumble for 007 was occurring, rumours arose that Orlando Bloom would play a young James Bond, the College years (okay, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.)

Other rumours that surfaced were an American James Bond (next!), a female James Bond (but who would she womanize at the beginning and the middle of the movie?), and a spin-off starring Halle Berry reprising her role as Jinx (okay, I think I just threw up again.)

And in all this, Pierce Brosnan might just forget all this craziness and return to his trusty Walther PPK. Much ado about nothing!

Another Britney article?

Britney preggers

Pop princess and back-up dancing thug hubby multiply their litter

After months of speculation and gossip-mongering, pop singer Britney Spears has announced that she will be spawning offspring. I know that’s not the most attractive way of putting it but have you seen the happy couple as of late? Though, can’t say we should all be surprised. They’re white-trash. It’s what they do.

The announcement was made in a posting on Britney’s website. "The time has finally come to share our wonderful news that we are expecting our first child together," the singer said. "There are reports that I was in the hospital this weekend, and Kevin and I just want everyone to know that all is well. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers."

Britney, 23, was never shy about her feelings to start a family young. This would be baby #1 for the Toxic singer (choice song title) and the third child for her husband Kevin Federline, 27. Spears and Federline were wed just 55 months after her first marriage stint to long time friend, Jason Alexander (no, not the Jason Alexander). Kevin’s ex-girlfriend, actress Shar Jackson, was pregnant with his second child at the time.

Speculation about her possible pregnancy started early when shortly after getting hitched, Britney took a break to chillax. A number of pictures were taken of the pop princess that revealed they she was already showing. At the time, I, like many others, believed she had gained weight from all those chili cheese fries, ding-dongs and hamburgers. As it turns out, it was those chili cheese fries, ding-dongs, hamburgers AND a baby. My bad.

This third edition might also stifle the upcoming UPN reality series based on Britney and Kevin's courtship. How will that work with a baby on board? Don't they usually add the baby factor around 3rd season to boost ratings only to have that baby hitting puberty entering the 4th season?

Drop Kick the Punks

This is officially my new addiction:
http://www.hedonistica.com/flash.php?path=/flash/drop_kick_the_punks.swf&w=800&h=600

Heeeere's Britney!

Britney to star in reality show

What better way to rage against invasion of privacy than overexposing yourself with your own TV show?

Britney and Kevin; sitting in a tree. Over-exposing re-al-ity.

So the pop diva has apparently raged against tabloids invading her privacy, specifically The Sun. So what is Britney Spears’ solution? Star in your own reality show with your hip-hop hubby. There are just all sorts of ‘wrong’ with that. Aside from ripping off Jessica Simpson and that guy from 98 Degrees, how will your problems go away now that there’s a camera in your home following you everywhere you go? Instead of the cameraman hiding in the bushes waiting for that choice shot of Ms. Spears in a not-so-flattering bikini, he’ll be right beside her and occasionally she might have to serve him sandwiches for lunch.

Spears’ marriage with backup dancer Kevin Federline has been overexposed since they exchanged wedding vows. Rumours about pregnancy, breakup and infidelity have been flying all over the front page of tabloids.

“I feel that last year the tabloids ran my life," said the Grammy Award-winning singer, "and I am really excited about showing my fans what really happened rather than all the stories, which have been misconstrued by journalists in the past."

Say it. You’re doing it for money. There’s nothing wrong with that. That’s what entertainers do – stuff for money. Much like whores. Long story short; you’re a whore.

The station that has signed for the Britney Spears and Friends’ Happy Fun Hour (I made up that title) is UPN, which would explain the casting of her husband. The show is slated to premiere later this season and will have exclusive interviews, commentary and never-before-seen private home video of the couple. Invasion of privacy? Never heard of it!

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: Reality cease to exist once a camera is turned on. You want people to know the real you? Then be real. Write your songs, perform your concerts, make your living and maintain your marriage without worrying what the tabloids will say next. To have BritneyVision will be nothing short of more media fodder.

Where were you?

It’s funny how you may think back to moments of your life with such clarity and to so much detail. There are some times I remember me in the moment, whether it was 2 minutes ago, 2 days, 2 years and even 2 decades. I remember my point of view of incidents, the movements made and the looks on people’s faces around me. Often times I wonder when huge historical events happen in this world, where was I? Me. This quiet little kitten-monkey. Some memories are tiny moments like remembering what I saw when I looked at the TV screen as the Berlin Wall fell. Other memories are like scripted detailed dream journals…These are some of them.

August 30-31, 1997
The Death of a Princess
I was sitting on the floor of the living room on a Saturday night watching Saturday Night Live. The host was Rob Lowe with musical guest The Spice Girls. This is obviously before our big screen television days and the TV was not in the corner yet but up against the wall by the dining room entrance. Like most nights in our house, Mom was in the kitchen, though late at night, preparing food and cleaning up. Then, I believe it was during the Weekend Update, there was a real “Breaking News Bulletin” of Princess Diana, a notable target of the paparazzi, in a terrible car accident and that her condition was critical. My brother Eric, who was sharing one last summer with us before moving to Oakville, was eating something when he entered the living room. He was the first person I saw after having staring at the television at the graphically disturbing footage of the princess’ wreckage. I told him. His eyes popped in shock with his usual “really…” as though I told him a piece of gossip. That was his reaction to any news – still is. She was pronounced dead hours later.

September 11, 2001
9/11
Summer had ended and I entered my first year of college. After a full year working at McDonald’s day in day out, it was refreshing to be back in school. Classes had started the week prior (midway through the week) so this was my first class of Basic Communications. It was a Tuesday. It was a boiler of a summer so I took refuge sleeping in the spare bedroom in the basement that was once occupied by my brother Ben. It was much cooler and darker at night and provided a comfortable rest. Nine o’clock in the morning the clock radio starts up and I hear words. I’m awake, lying on my front with my eyes open pretending to be closed when I start piecing those words together – plane, crash, New York, Pentagon, World Trade Centre. At first I think they were words pulled from a dream kind of like reverse talking in your sleep. But I am awake and listen with more attention.

I finally pull myself out of bed and go upstairs. My Mom so kindly offered to drive me to school the previous night. She is in her room cleaning out a drawer or purse when I ask if she’s heard what’s happened. She says no then I tell her “apparently” such and such has happened. She of course doesn’t hesitate to turn to CNN and there it is laying out for us in full detail. The camera fixated on the smoking wound of one of the Two Towers as me and my Mom watched with one hand over a gasping mouth with the occasional “oh my God” escaping her lips. This isn’t real.

She kept the TV on loud as she had some things to do before we left. Despite having class to attend, I kept on watching. A second plane is shown crashing into the other tower as I call out to my Mother who rushes from the kitchen back to her room to watch on. This isn’t real.

I finally pull it together to go to school. We drive with the radio on and my Mom speculating. When I arrive to class, the room is almost empty. We later learn that there are two classrooms with the same number hence the mix up. But as a select few of us sit in patient silence, still not knowing each other very well, someone brings up the attack. This starts a discussion among us like school yard gossip or a “what did you do this weekend” talk. We decided to go to the cafeteria as no doubt people would be there glued to the televisions. The day at school was short as the rest of it was doing just that. Sitting and watching CNN intently. When I went home that day, that’s all I did until at 2am. I remember staying up with Janet watching the news, until I fell asleep on the couch.

April 2, 2005
Pope John Paul II dies
I skipped down the stairs of my Toronto apartment and Julie says "Pope’s dead."

And that is where I was.