You'll have to excuse me, I'm not at my best
I've been gone for a month, I've been drunk since I left
These so-called vacations will soon be my death
I'm so sick from the drink I need home for a rest.
We arrived in December and London was cold
We stayed in the bars along Charing Cross Road
We never saw nothin' but brass taps and oak
Kept a shine on the bar with the sleeves of our coats
You'll have to excuse me, I'm not at my best
I've been gone for a week
I've been drunk since I left
And these so-called vacations
Will soon be my death
I'm so sick from the drink
I need home for a rest
Take me home....
Euston Station the train journey North
In the buffet car we lurched back and forth
Past old crooked dykes through Yorkshire's green fields
We were flung into dance as the train jigged and reeled
You'll have to excuse me, I'm not at my best
I've been gone for a month
I've been drunk since I left
And these so-called vacations
Will soon be my death
I'm so sick from the drink
I need home for a rest
Take me home....
By the light of the moon, she'd drift through the streets
A rare old perfume, so seductive and sweet
She'd tease us and flirt, as the pubs all closed down
Then walk us on home and deny us a round
You'll have to excuse me, I'm not at my best
I've been gone for a month
I've been drunk since I left
And these so-called vacations
Will soon be my deathI'm so sick from the drink
I need home for a rest
Take me home....
The gas heater's empty, it's damp as a tomb
The spirits we drank now ghosts in the room
I'm knackered again, come on sleep take me soon
And don't lift up my head 'till the the twelve bells at noon
You'll have to excuse me, I'm not at my best
I've been gone for a month
I've been drunk since I left
And these so-called vacations
Will soon be my death
I'm so sick from the drink
I need home for a rest
Take me home....
Home For A Rest - Spirit of the West
12.01.2005
11.22.2005
A bit 'nippy' in the O.C.
If you missed the much-talked about 'nipple slip' on last week's episode of The O.C., fear not, surely there are numerous viral videos on the web just waiting to have you boys getting that streak-free Windex for your LCD monitors ready. Though it is terrible quality (much like Mischa Barton's talent), one's imagination can provide minutes of fulfilled fantasy – I'll be over here throwing up.Barton's character Marisa exposed more than her eternal struggle to say lines as she was getting out of bed and one of her nipples made an accidental appearance. A number of viewers have allegedly complained to the FCC though FOX has denied that any such complaints have been made. My question is who in the editing room let that one slip by? Seems like FOX opted to replace a highly entertaining and good quality show like Arrested Development, with a quick shot of a nipple. What's next? Give House the boot so Ryan can give us a preview of a new game, "Just the tip, see how you like it"?
11.06.2005
Who's lovin' it now?
Kid sister Simpson yet again makes an ass of herselfAshlee Simpson was spotted not so much lip-synching but lip-slurring in a McDonald's in Toronto where she was promoting her latest album. eTalkDaily reports Lushy McLush was spotted dining at a fancy restaurant then made her way to a bar to get schlooshed. And like every night of drinking, this one ended up in a McDonald's.
A customer in the restaurant caught the pop singer on video as she mouthed off to the employees, climbed onto the counter as well as refused to have her picture taken with a fan unless he kiss her feet.
Simpson: "Thing are going wrong up here!"
I'll say – YOU HAVE A CAREER!
Toronto resident, Brandon M., was fortunate enough to witness this train wreck. We sit down with Brandon. Here's an exclusive scoop!
What did she smell like? Because I'm picturing the stale aroma of lost souls, no talent and hot tasty French fries.
One word...Alcohol.
Give us your first-hand account of this evening?
Ms. Simpson, clearly intoxicated, went to visit the world-class eatery of McDonald's after a presumably heavy night of drinking or the like. My good friend, went to take a picture with Ashlee, at which time she requested that he kiss her feet, to which he refused. After that, Ashlee's mood went south since she didn't understand why in the world anyone wouldn't want to kiss her feet. To make bad even worse was the incident with the snobby McDonald's worker whom in my opinion drastically over-reacted. Ashlee was acting stupid... but that's because she was DRUNK!
What was the reaction of the employees after Simpson left?
Most of them were relieved, presumably to go back to their hectic job serving hamburgers.
Have you ever done anything stupid in a McDonald's or any other fast food franchise (besides go in)?
The other mistake I've made at McDonald's besides going in...is eating there? Oddly enough, the last time I ate McDonald’s was after a heavy-drinking night too. Maybe I should get a recording contract?
**Let me just say, working at McDonald's is more than just flipping and serving burgers. Brandon's a good kid but....JACKASS!
10.20.2005
Was going somewhere with this...
Here's article I meant to post on Star! but I never could formulate a whole article from my temporary rant. Or could it be I just stopped caring.
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Okay, I’ll level with you – I don’t like being lied to. So when Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston go on record saying nothing is going on between them, I’m sincerely hurt when I see photos of them making out behind a bush. And not just because he promised to call me after our one-night, but because they made us media folk look foolish. Did I say “media folk”? I meant gossip mongers.
---------------------------------------
Okay, I’ll level with you – I don’t like being lied to. So when Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston go on record saying nothing is going on between them, I’m sincerely hurt when I see photos of them making out behind a bush. And not just because he promised to call me after our one-night, but because they made us media folk look foolish. Did I say “media folk”? I meant gossip mongers.
10.12.2005
Hey Jude, don't make it bad
Law puts an end to Miller's timeSo after all that groveling and ass-kissing and trying to work it out after Jude Law admitted to sleeping with his children's nanny, looks like Sienna Miller got her perfect revenge on her ex-fiancé by sleeping with his long time friend long before he cheated on her! It was revealed earlier this week according to People that Law gave Sienna the proverbial boot when he discovered she cheated on him first – two years ago on the set of Layer Cake with her co-star and would be James Bond Daniel Craig. This happened around the same time Law left his then-wife Sadie Frost and started dating Miller.
This revelation infuriated Law who has branded the actress as a "hypocrite and a conniving bitch."
And it wasn't a one-time-oh-so-drunk-where-did-those-midgets-come-from-let's-never-speak-of-this-again type affair, Miller and Craig allegedly continued to see each other during Jude Law's public apology as well as Sienna milking the publicity. Don't get me wrong, I still feel for her. After all, how would you feel if your too-too sexy fiancé played house with the nanny? And by 'house' I mean violating her body this way from Sunday.
Speculation did arise that Law and Miller were getting back together when she didn't move out of his home. According to imdb.com, Sienna stayed there out of convenience since her play was in the West End and that she broke up with him back in July though stayed close friends. Ugh, this OC episode is giving me a headache.
So let's get this straight: Mootchy McHootch cheated on sexy Jude Law first, made him grovel publicly while turning this drama into a marketing tool all the while crashing at his place? Niiiice.
10.05.2005
Nick and Jessica sully our hopes and dreams
America’s sweethearts become an American statistic
You mean to tell me televising your marriage and constantly partying and getting trashed ISN’T the way to fortify a marriage? Being America’s eye candy just got worse as Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson finally filed for divorce according to Us Weekly.
Rumours of this inevitable split have been skimming the front page of tabloids and college boys’ wet dreams for some time. Back in May, E! Online reported the papers were signed but retracted that statement faster than the other members of 98 Degrees can say, “Wanna get back together?”
Reasons for the split (get ready to put on your sarcastic shocked face here) include the ever-controlling Daddy Joe Simpson and the diva formerly known as Jessica Simpson. Nick also couldn’t abide her other husband, Jack Daniels who, like their marriage, was also on the rocks.
Seems like another guy has lost his woman to the young, glamorous life of partying. If Jessica gets lonely, Paris will be there to comfort her, and I’m pretty sure Tara Reid is there too lying face down in a pool of her own vomit – don’t worry, she’s an excellent listener.
Apparently an official statement will be released later this month to milk the last bit of this doomed relationship. As well, I’m sure, loyal viewers of MTV’s Newlyweds are waiting to hear what will become of that lonely half-hour. Until then, party on Jessica. Party on Paris. Mhgphhhm Tara.
You mean to tell me televising your marriage and constantly partying and getting trashed ISN’T the way to fortify a marriage? Being America’s eye candy just got worse as Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson finally filed for divorce according to Us Weekly.
Rumours of this inevitable split have been skimming the front page of tabloids and college boys’ wet dreams for some time. Back in May, E! Online reported the papers were signed but retracted that statement faster than the other members of 98 Degrees can say, “Wanna get back together?”
Reasons for the split (get ready to put on your sarcastic shocked face here) include the ever-controlling Daddy Joe Simpson and the diva formerly known as Jessica Simpson. Nick also couldn’t abide her other husband, Jack Daniels who, like their marriage, was also on the rocks.
Seems like another guy has lost his woman to the young, glamorous life of partying. If Jessica gets lonely, Paris will be there to comfort her, and I’m pretty sure Tara Reid is there too lying face down in a pool of her own vomit – don’t worry, she’s an excellent listener.
Apparently an official statement will be released later this month to milk the last bit of this doomed relationship. As well, I’m sure, loyal viewers of MTV’s Newlyweds are waiting to hear what will become of that lonely half-hour. Until then, party on Jessica. Party on Paris. Mhgphhhm Tara.
10.01.2005
9.03.2005
You know how I know you're gay...?
Cuz you listen to Coldplay...
Which would possibly explain a lot. I'm not one to judge except times when I'm judging, but why else would he marry someone with the body of a 17-year old boy? Or agree to name a child Apple as in Adam's...
And his hair's short, and he's mildly attractive. If that does sound gay, I don't know what does.
Which would possibly explain a lot. I'm not one to judge except times when I'm judging, but why else would he marry someone with the body of a 17-year old boy? Or agree to name a child Apple as in Adam's...
And his hair's short, and he's mildly attractive. If that does sound gay, I don't know what does.
8.20.2005
Remember Vin?
The man we know as Vin Diesel is in fact a spiritual manifestation used to channel the voice of Vin, in a similar manner of the Metatron. Hearing Vin Diesel's real voice would not only cause your head to cave in and your heart to explode, but the very words would take the rest of your body, body slam it, throw it into a chair, and uppercut it all the way to the Phillippines.
8.17.2005
PWN3D!
Mariah Carey PWN3D by Eminem
A furious Carey gets mocked at one of Eminem’s shows
Poor Mariah. There was a time when she was a respectable artist with a beautiful, soulful voice. A force to be reckoned with in the world of R&B. Okay, she still has the voice but with it she’s added floatation devices to her chest that probably would’ve come in handy during the sinking of the Titanic, smaller clothing equivalent to Adam and Eve hiding behind a fig leaf, a nervous breakdown because girls wearing less than her were stealing her thunder, a drawn-on six-pack on her abs that would make He-Man cower into his tub of ice cream with Cringer, and photo ops with a crippled homeless man as though posing beside a cardboard cutout of David Hasselhoff.
And now begging Eminem to call her!
Pagesix.com reports the pop singer allegedly left a voice mail for the rapper back in 2001 when he worked on Carey’s Charmbracelet album. Eminem took it upon himself to play the message in front of his audience during his Anger Management tour. What he was doing working on her album; I have no idea.
The message is as follows:
"I heard you were getting back with your ex-wife. Why won't you see me? Why won't you call me? You're not calling me."
The rapper then pretended to vomit into a prop toilet on stage and launched into his song Puke that features the lines “you make me sick.”
Is it wrong that I find this funny? Aside from the ridiculous begging on a voice mail message…you want him to call you? The guy wrote a song about putting his pregnant Dido into the trunk of a car? That guy there? The guy who no doubt is admired and an inspiration to the likes of Kevin Federline – you know, minus the ambition and earned wealth and well … talent. And by “talent” I mean job. Him? I’d say Mariah can do better but she did have a video where she got revenge against the fat kid from Stand By Me (Jerry O’Connell, look it up).
A furious Carey gets mocked at one of Eminem’s shows
Poor Mariah. There was a time when she was a respectable artist with a beautiful, soulful voice. A force to be reckoned with in the world of R&B. Okay, she still has the voice but with it she’s added floatation devices to her chest that probably would’ve come in handy during the sinking of the Titanic, smaller clothing equivalent to Adam and Eve hiding behind a fig leaf, a nervous breakdown because girls wearing less than her were stealing her thunder, a drawn-on six-pack on her abs that would make He-Man cower into his tub of ice cream with Cringer, and photo ops with a crippled homeless man as though posing beside a cardboard cutout of David Hasselhoff.
And now begging Eminem to call her!
Pagesix.com reports the pop singer allegedly left a voice mail for the rapper back in 2001 when he worked on Carey’s Charmbracelet album. Eminem took it upon himself to play the message in front of his audience during his Anger Management tour. What he was doing working on her album; I have no idea.
The message is as follows:
"I heard you were getting back with your ex-wife. Why won't you see me? Why won't you call me? You're not calling me."
The rapper then pretended to vomit into a prop toilet on stage and launched into his song Puke that features the lines “you make me sick.”
Is it wrong that I find this funny? Aside from the ridiculous begging on a voice mail message…you want him to call you? The guy wrote a song about putting his pregnant Dido into the trunk of a car? That guy there? The guy who no doubt is admired and an inspiration to the likes of Kevin Federline – you know, minus the ambition and earned wealth and well … talent. And by “talent” I mean job. Him? I’d say Mariah can do better but she did have a video where she got revenge against the fat kid from Stand By Me (Jerry O’Connell, look it up).
8.15.2005
Hollywood gossip
Rumoured relationships, fake relationships, Godly relationships
Vince Vaughn slams Aniston rumours
Okay, this may be redundant news but actor Vince Vaughn finally put his foot down on rumours that he and newly divorcee Jennifer Aniston are romantically involved. The Wedding Crashers star flat out said he is "addicted to one-night stands" and could not be in a serious relationship restricting him to just one woman.
He is also furious that people would think he’d take advantage of the 36-year-old former Friends star so shortly after her high profile divorce. No offense, but if you're "addicted to one-night stands," why wouldn't you jump into that vulnerable bowl of poo-tang?
Hartnett + Carlson = FAKE
Nip/Tuck star Kelly Carlson revealed her relationship with heartthrob Josh Hartnett was fake. The actress admits she was manipulated to pretend the pair was dating for a Teen People shoot as a publicity stunt. Umm, Kelly who?
Just a rule of thumb, in order for a publicity stunt to be a publicity stunt, the public should know about it. Tom Cruise and his public love affair with that waif is a publicity stunt. Some actress dating a sub-par actor, whose voice is too low for his face, is not. And FYI, I don’t think it worked.
They are apparently just good friends and Hartnett is currently dating Scarlett Johansson…maybe, who knows with these kids?
Matt Damon as The Godfather
Long time best bud Matt Damon will stop at nothing to be Ben Affleck and wife Jennifer Garner’s expected child’s godfather. Damon has promised to lavish the baby with gifts. He says, "He'd be smart to give me that job, I'd spoil that kid rotten." That makes sense to me; afterall he is Ben’s first wife. Or perhaps he wants to use lines like this:
"You like apples? I’m the baby's godfather! How do you like them apples?"
Vince Vaughn slams Aniston rumours
Okay, this may be redundant news but actor Vince Vaughn finally put his foot down on rumours that he and newly divorcee Jennifer Aniston are romantically involved. The Wedding Crashers star flat out said he is "addicted to one-night stands" and could not be in a serious relationship restricting him to just one woman.
He is also furious that people would think he’d take advantage of the 36-year-old former Friends star so shortly after her high profile divorce. No offense, but if you're "addicted to one-night stands," why wouldn't you jump into that vulnerable bowl of poo-tang?
Hartnett + Carlson = FAKE
Nip/Tuck star Kelly Carlson revealed her relationship with heartthrob Josh Hartnett was fake. The actress admits she was manipulated to pretend the pair was dating for a Teen People shoot as a publicity stunt. Umm, Kelly who?
Just a rule of thumb, in order for a publicity stunt to be a publicity stunt, the public should know about it. Tom Cruise and his public love affair with that waif is a publicity stunt. Some actress dating a sub-par actor, whose voice is too low for his face, is not. And FYI, I don’t think it worked.
They are apparently just good friends and Hartnett is currently dating Scarlett Johansson…maybe, who knows with these kids?
Matt Damon as The Godfather
Long time best bud Matt Damon will stop at nothing to be Ben Affleck and wife Jennifer Garner’s expected child’s godfather. Damon has promised to lavish the baby with gifts. He says, "He'd be smart to give me that job, I'd spoil that kid rotten." That makes sense to me; afterall he is Ben’s first wife. Or perhaps he wants to use lines like this:
"You like apples? I’m the baby's godfather! How do you like them apples?"
7.25.2005
Kevin Federline wins Father of the Year
Oops, he did it again! And by ‘did it again’ I mean he managed to prove what a horrible human being he is
Celebrity leech Kevin Federline apparently missed his son’s first birthday according to Pagesix.com. Yes, this is the son in which ex-girlfriend, Shar Jackson, was pregnant with when Federline left her for pop princess/white trash Britney Spears.
A spokesperson for Jackson said that little Kaleb’s birthday "came and went without a visit, present or phone call from Kevin or Britney." Federline’s publicist has not commented on this. I’m thinking the less time this boy spends with his biological father, the better. Though I’d say he’s in a lose-lose situation with his mommy dating Quentin Tarantino.
Jackson has also recently accused Federline of stiffing her on child-support payments for both Kaleb and their 2-year old daughter, Kori. Are these things to come for the new bundles of joy expected to make media appearance in September? Well, I guess you actually have to have money to stiff someone on child-support. And since Britney is the breadwinner in that family, Kevin probably doesn’t have to worry about anything except when his next allowance will come in.
In other Spears/Federline news: the birth of their expected twins might be televised. Sigh. Am I really surprised? Why not do the whole nine yards when milking their celebrity dry and expose a very private moment like childbirth? I already have a problem seeing Britney’s outsides, why would I want to see her insides too?
Celebrity leech Kevin Federline apparently missed his son’s first birthday according to Pagesix.com. Yes, this is the son in which ex-girlfriend, Shar Jackson, was pregnant with when Federline left her for pop princess/white trash Britney Spears.
A spokesperson for Jackson said that little Kaleb’s birthday "came and went without a visit, present or phone call from Kevin or Britney." Federline’s publicist has not commented on this. I’m thinking the less time this boy spends with his biological father, the better. Though I’d say he’s in a lose-lose situation with his mommy dating Quentin Tarantino.
Jackson has also recently accused Federline of stiffing her on child-support payments for both Kaleb and their 2-year old daughter, Kori. Are these things to come for the new bundles of joy expected to make media appearance in September? Well, I guess you actually have to have money to stiff someone on child-support. And since Britney is the breadwinner in that family, Kevin probably doesn’t have to worry about anything except when his next allowance will come in.
In other Spears/Federline news: the birth of their expected twins might be televised. Sigh. Am I really surprised? Why not do the whole nine yards when milking their celebrity dry and expose a very private moment like childbirth? I already have a problem seeing Britney’s outsides, why would I want to see her insides too?
7.18.2005
Sleeping with 'Mary Hoppins'
Actor Jude Law admitted to having an affair with his children's 26-year-old British nanny, Daisy Wright. I fail to believe in this fabricated story for a number of reasons: 1) I'm 25; 2) I wasn't working this weekend; 3) I'm not British and 4) my name is not Daisy Wright.
The Alfie star was apparently caught by one of his children who told Law's ex-wife Sadie Frost; 'Mary Hoppins' was of course fired following this revelation.
This also calls for the end of Law's current engagement to model/thinks-she-can-act Sienna Miller. "Following the reports in today's paper, I just want to say I am deeply ashamed and upset that I've hurt Sienna," says Jude in response. "I want to publicly apologize to Sienna."
Meanwhile, The Sun reports that Law is allegedly looking to rekindle his romance with Wright when he called her last Thursday. Wright, who admits to falling for Law, was hurt by her dismissal of her job and realizes Law was using her for sex. She tells the British paper, "He said he desperately needed to show me that our relationship wasn't just about sex. But how could I trust him again after he cast me aside so easily before." My God, let the man show you! Let him show you 4 times in one night if he has to.
What I admire most of this story is that Law's own child ratted him out (I believe Law is officially having the kid's name changed to Snitchy McSnitch-a-lot). And this also goes to show you sexy men don't always win when it comes to cheating...unless you're Brad Pitt and you're doing Angelina Jolie.
The Alfie star was apparently caught by one of his children who told Law's ex-wife Sadie Frost; 'Mary Hoppins' was of course fired following this revelation.
This also calls for the end of Law's current engagement to model/thinks-she-can-act Sienna Miller. "Following the reports in today's paper, I just want to say I am deeply ashamed and upset that I've hurt Sienna," says Jude in response. "I want to publicly apologize to Sienna."
Meanwhile, The Sun reports that Law is allegedly looking to rekindle his romance with Wright when he called her last Thursday. Wright, who admits to falling for Law, was hurt by her dismissal of her job and realizes Law was using her for sex. She tells the British paper, "He said he desperately needed to show me that our relationship wasn't just about sex. But how could I trust him again after he cast me aside so easily before." My God, let the man show you! Let him show you 4 times in one night if he has to.
What I admire most of this story is that Law's own child ratted him out (I believe Law is officially having the kid's name changed to Snitchy McSnitch-a-lot). And this also goes to show you sexy men don't always win when it comes to cheating...unless you're Brad Pitt and you're doing Angelina Jolie.
7.13.2005
Hollywood gossip not worth writing home about
Pitt’s sick, Carey’s crazy, Kidman’s boy-crazy
Brad Pitt has the flu
Stop the presses! He must’ve drunk the water in Africa when he accompanied Angelina Jolie to pick up her new adopted baby girl…and after they probably had sex. He sure does get thirsty. Actor Brad Pitt has been hospitalized in Los Angeles with a severe case of influenza. Pitt checked himself into an undisclosed hospital on Monday night. He is expected to make a full recovery…you know, like everyone else who’s ever had the flu. Heck, I just discovered a huge bruise on my thigh - I have no idea where it came from. The only coverage that will get will be if I put it in my blog - if.
Mariah Carey pulls a Janet Jackson
During a TV show in Germany, pop singer and part-time crazy person Mariah Carey had a wardrobe malfunction when her dress fell apart. Lucky for her and the audience, the floor managers cut the lights to censor Carey as she gathered her clothes before dashing offstage to regroup according to MTV news.
Carey quips, "Someone bring me a jacket or the show's off, we all know how quickly these images can spread around the world." Oh my god, it made a funny. The lesson learned here: Buy sweatshop clothes. Get sweatshop quality.
Nicole Kidman was one of those girls
Nicole Kidman tells Glamour magazine her marriage to Tom Cruise put a screeching halt to a lot of her friendships when she married the Risky Business star at the age of 21. Since her divorce to Cruise in 2001, Kidman has reconnected with a lot of her childhood friends and is determined not to let her pals slip away again…or until the next man comes along. Oh we’ve all been there - blow off a friend’s birthday for a date, nothing else matters beside you and your new found love, forget about the people who are really there for you until you get dumped on you’re ass again and you come crawling back. Well Nicky, I spit on your Vera Wang dress!
Call me.
Brad Pitt has the flu
Stop the presses! He must’ve drunk the water in Africa when he accompanied Angelina Jolie to pick up her new adopted baby girl…and after they probably had sex. He sure does get thirsty. Actor Brad Pitt has been hospitalized in Los Angeles with a severe case of influenza. Pitt checked himself into an undisclosed hospital on Monday night. He is expected to make a full recovery…you know, like everyone else who’s ever had the flu. Heck, I just discovered a huge bruise on my thigh - I have no idea where it came from. The only coverage that will get will be if I put it in my blog - if.
Mariah Carey pulls a Janet Jackson
During a TV show in Germany, pop singer and part-time crazy person Mariah Carey had a wardrobe malfunction when her dress fell apart. Lucky for her and the audience, the floor managers cut the lights to censor Carey as she gathered her clothes before dashing offstage to regroup according to MTV news.
Carey quips, "Someone bring me a jacket or the show's off, we all know how quickly these images can spread around the world." Oh my god, it made a funny. The lesson learned here: Buy sweatshop clothes. Get sweatshop quality.
Nicole Kidman was one of those girls
Nicole Kidman tells Glamour magazine her marriage to Tom Cruise put a screeching halt to a lot of her friendships when she married the Risky Business star at the age of 21. Since her divorce to Cruise in 2001, Kidman has reconnected with a lot of her childhood friends and is determined not to let her pals slip away again…or until the next man comes along. Oh we’ve all been there - blow off a friend’s birthday for a date, nothing else matters beside you and your new found love, forget about the people who are really there for you until you get dumped on you’re ass again and you come crawling back. Well Nicky, I spit on your Vera Wang dress!
Call me.
7.06.2005
Hit Me Baby...with some money!
Britney Spears broke
And I don’t mean her water
As it turns out, in order to spend money, it would probably be wise to be making money in the process. That way, you can spend more money, more profusely. Preggers Pop princess Britney Spears is eager to torture us with a new album because she and her husband are running out of money. Spears and Kevin Federline are struggling to fund their white-trash mirror of celebrity life having also spent $7 million on a new Malibu house.
Spears, of course, is taking a maternity leave from singing and dancer Federline hasn’t worked for over a year. I have an idea, how about you dance your ass over to the unemployment line you fucking deadbeat!
The solution? Cut a new album asap. According to New York Post columnist Cindy Adams, "Mrs. Federline recently made a quiet call to her record label. The gist of the discussion: We've got to get money in the house. Cash flow is going down. How about we cut another album?" I have yet another idea: We all hop into our time machine and show Britney and Kevin that episode of Degrassi High when Erica has unsafe sex.
Or how about be careful of your money because you’re bringing a child into this world and that baby will have to come first? Just a thought.
And I don’t mean her water
As it turns out, in order to spend money, it would probably be wise to be making money in the process. That way, you can spend more money, more profusely. Preggers Pop princess Britney Spears is eager to torture us with a new album because she and her husband are running out of money. Spears and Kevin Federline are struggling to fund their white-trash mirror of celebrity life having also spent $7 million on a new Malibu house.
Spears, of course, is taking a maternity leave from singing and dancer Federline hasn’t worked for over a year. I have an idea, how about you dance your ass over to the unemployment line you fucking deadbeat!
The solution? Cut a new album asap. According to New York Post columnist Cindy Adams, "Mrs. Federline recently made a quiet call to her record label. The gist of the discussion: We've got to get money in the house. Cash flow is going down. How about we cut another album?" I have yet another idea: We all hop into our time machine and show Britney and Kevin that episode of Degrassi High when Erica has unsafe sex.
Or how about be careful of your money because you’re bringing a child into this world and that baby will have to come first? Just a thought.
7.05.2005
When in doubt, asses out
Brett Ratner directs XXX-Men
Director Brett Ratner, who took over the reigns for the upcoming X-Men sequel from Bryan Singer, is apparently planning to release the new film in brown paper wrapping. The Rush Hour director has added a new villain in an attempt to leave his mark with the comic book movie franchise – a sex siren mutant who seduces her opponents instead of battling them. Yes, by “leave his mark” I mean that stain on the bed sheet IS what you think it is.
A source tells Pagesix.com the mutant will be, "An unbelievably hot and sexy hooker. Her super power is that she secretes a pheromone that helps her to seduce men. She can seduce anyone." That’s not a super power, that’s called being me!
The new mutant has yet to be cast but will likely be an unknown since no one in their right mind would want to commit career suicide playing Lolita, the pheromone sprouting whore.
Director Brett Ratner, who took over the reigns for the upcoming X-Men sequel from Bryan Singer, is apparently planning to release the new film in brown paper wrapping. The Rush Hour director has added a new villain in an attempt to leave his mark with the comic book movie franchise – a sex siren mutant who seduces her opponents instead of battling them. Yes, by “leave his mark” I mean that stain on the bed sheet IS what you think it is.
A source tells Pagesix.com the mutant will be, "An unbelievably hot and sexy hooker. Her super power is that she secretes a pheromone that helps her to seduce men. She can seduce anyone." That’s not a super power, that’s called being me!
The new mutant has yet to be cast but will likely be an unknown since no one in their right mind would want to commit career suicide playing Lolita, the pheromone sprouting whore.
7.04.2005
Affleck knocks up J.Gar
So, it was confirmed: Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are married and expecting a child. The top-secret ceremony was held at the exclusive Parrot Cay resort on the Turks and Caicos Islands Thursday night. Their publicists, Ken Sunshine and Nicole King, confirmed this news shortly after the couple was seen arriving at the island and reports in Us Weekly were published saying that they had wed.
Coincidentally, Affleck, who of course was previously engaged to Jenny from the private villa of spoiled snobs, was originally going to have his ceremony at a spa resort with J.Lo but it was called off due to security concerns - and by “security concerns” I mean “Affleck sobered up and came to his senses.”
This is the first marriage for the Pearl Harbor star and a second for the Alias actress who divorced actor Scott Foley in March 2004. Affleck and Garner met on the set of Daredevil in 2003 while Affleck was still with Lopez…wait a minute…doing the math…DRA-MA!
Though, I find it odd that news of them expecting a baby has just been confirmed. Isn’t she like in her third trimester? So that doesn’t really come as a surprise, except for the fact I could have sworn he was having man-sex with Matt Damon. Oh well, a knocked up actress sure proved me wrong.
6.23.2005
Lohan's Hissy Fit
I think the bigger question is, why is she even working?
USA Today reports a very disgruntled Lindsay Lohan stormed out of the Los Angeles premiere of her latest film, Disney’s Herbie: Fully Loaded. The Mean Girls star, who always manages to make the tabloid headlines one way or another, was upset because a song she recorded specifically for the final race scene found its way as the featured song of the end credits instead.
So wait, they still recorded it? It was still presented to the public? That’s more than any song, movie or haiku poem she makes deserves.
Lohan, 18, explained to the paper, "I was like, 'Whoaaa,' because nobody stays to hear the song in the closing credits. So I ran out." That’s a little ironic considering she wanted people to stay for the credits and be tortured.
Lohan’s handlers for the evening took the actress to the washroom for a 12-minute cool down. Okay, no offence to Skinny McGee or Chesty LaRoo, whatever we’re calling her, but it’s not as though she saw Johnny walking into the party with Judy on his arm. Someone doing their job moved a song into the end credits – deal.
She did, however, explain why the song had some significance to her. "I recorded it right before I got sick and went to the hospital [in October, for 'exhaustion']. And then I shot the video for it and re-sprained my ankle. I pushed myself to get it done for the movie when I probably should have waited."
Boo-fuckin’ hoo!
USA Today reports a very disgruntled Lindsay Lohan stormed out of the Los Angeles premiere of her latest film, Disney’s Herbie: Fully Loaded. The Mean Girls star, who always manages to make the tabloid headlines one way or another, was upset because a song she recorded specifically for the final race scene found its way as the featured song of the end credits instead.
So wait, they still recorded it? It was still presented to the public? That’s more than any song, movie or haiku poem she makes deserves.
Lohan, 18, explained to the paper, "I was like, 'Whoaaa,' because nobody stays to hear the song in the closing credits. So I ran out." That’s a little ironic considering she wanted people to stay for the credits and be tortured.
Lohan’s handlers for the evening took the actress to the washroom for a 12-minute cool down. Okay, no offence to Skinny McGee or Chesty LaRoo, whatever we’re calling her, but it’s not as though she saw Johnny walking into the party with Judy on his arm. Someone doing their job moved a song into the end credits – deal.
She did, however, explain why the song had some significance to her. "I recorded it right before I got sick and went to the hospital [in October, for 'exhaustion']. And then I shot the video for it and re-sprained my ankle. I pushed myself to get it done for the movie when I probably should have waited."
Boo-fuckin’ hoo!
6.20.2005
Dear Ms. Lopez
Princess J.Lo has high demands and low talent
Former Fly Girl makes outrageous demand on set
Dear Ms. Lopez,
It has come to our attention that your 15 minutes of fame have over exceeded their expiry date by about 15 years. We also require you return your inflated ego as well as a personal apology to the general public for wasting our time.
Sincerely,
Your Mom
For someone who says she’s just “Jenny from the block,” makes me think that “the block” is actually a villa of spoiled brats who didn’t get that ugly yellow Mustang convertible when they turned sweet sixteen. Actress Jennifer Lopez (and I use the term “actress” loosely) is displeased with her accommodations on the set of the independent film Bordertown starring opposite Antonio Banderas.
The diva has allegedly demanded a luxury motor home and a private villa as well is determined to have her hairdresser Oribe’s $10,000/day charge be taken out of the film’s budget.
Can someone please explain to me why this woman (and I use the term “woman” loosely) is famous? The Maid in Manhattan starlet has agreed to star in the low-budget film being shot in Mexico as a favour to director Gregory Nava, who made her breakthrough film Selena. If by “favour” you mean pamper her fat a$$, then yes, this must be the nicest thing she has ever done for another human being. It’s a surprise she didn’t order a bunch of baby seal pups to be shipped in and clubbed in front of her for her enjoyment – it’s the only way she can work.
Former Fly Girl makes outrageous demand on set
Dear Ms. Lopez,
It has come to our attention that your 15 minutes of fame have over exceeded their expiry date by about 15 years. We also require you return your inflated ego as well as a personal apology to the general public for wasting our time.
Sincerely,
Your Mom
For someone who says she’s just “Jenny from the block,” makes me think that “the block” is actually a villa of spoiled brats who didn’t get that ugly yellow Mustang convertible when they turned sweet sixteen. Actress Jennifer Lopez (and I use the term “actress” loosely) is displeased with her accommodations on the set of the independent film Bordertown starring opposite Antonio Banderas.
The diva has allegedly demanded a luxury motor home and a private villa as well is determined to have her hairdresser Oribe’s $10,000/day charge be taken out of the film’s budget.
Can someone please explain to me why this woman (and I use the term “woman” loosely) is famous? The Maid in Manhattan starlet has agreed to star in the low-budget film being shot in Mexico as a favour to director Gregory Nava, who made her breakthrough film Selena. If by “favour” you mean pamper her fat a$$, then yes, this must be the nicest thing she has ever done for another human being. It’s a surprise she didn’t order a bunch of baby seal pups to be shipped in and clubbed in front of her for her enjoyment – it’s the only way she can work.
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